Godzillearth

Oscar Wilde once said: "Life imitates art far more than art imitates life." If he's right, then we are all dead. Three major studio movies, set to come out in the next year, are about the end of the world and the extinction of the human race. "The Road," "2012" and "9" all take place in a post apocalyptic society, and none of them look like they have a happy ending. Personally I don't really care about the inevitable effects of global warming. Nuclear bombs and religious zealots will probably wipe us off the face of the earth much sooner. However, I hope the planet earth doesn't watch movies because Hollywood might give it some ideas. If you get internet in your underground bunker, then you should check out these trailers.

The Road



2012



9

Bazooka Joe the Movie!

Ever since I was 12 years old I have wanted to see the Bazooka Joe comic strip make it to the silver screen. It’s no secret that there is a plethora of bubble gum comic strips fit to make the leap from wax paper to big screen. However, Bazooka Joe is probably the best written comic strip marketing campaign since Dubble Bubble introduced “Fleer Funnies starring Pud.” It would be absolutely brilliant to see his heartwarming misadventures, and anecdotal stories about the pain and joy of growing up, realized in a film version.

If you’re not familiar with Bazooka Joe, he is the loveable protagonist of the “Bazooka Joe and his gang” comic strip series that accompanied every piece of Bazooka Bubblegum. However these comics were more than child friendly jokes. They were allegories for our basic human emotions. Bazooka Joe dealt with real-life problems including heartache, adventure, tragedy, revenge, temptation, sacrifice, and discovery.

An example of this can be seen in the classic strip starring Bazooka Joe and his friend Mort. Mort is collecting yarn for his mother so she can work on a knitting project. As Mort eyes the amount of yarn he has retrieved, he looks over at Bazooka Joe with a hesitant look. “Is this enough for three socks?” asks Mort to Bazooka Joe. “Three socks?” Bazooka Joe exclaims with confusion. “My mom wants to knit socks for my brother in the army” says Mort. “Why three socks?” asks Bazooka Joe, his burning curiosity beginning to get the better of him. “He wrote in his letter” says Mort, “two weeks in the army and I’ve grown another foot!”

This strip is a perfect example of the everyday issues that Bazooka Joe confronts in his comics. Mort, who has had a serious disability ever since an accident left him mentally retarded, has taken his brother’s news literally. He believes that his brother has actually grown another foot, when in reality his brother had just grown another foot taller in height.

Bazooka Joe shows compassion, understanding and patience while selflessly volunteering to help the less fortunate Mort complete the simple yet meaningful gesture of getting yarn for his Mom. This is an example we could all afford to follow. Upon further reading of the material, one can also recognize the many poignant truths it holds about living in America, the stress of having a loved one in the military, and the archaic practice of using Imperial measurement units.

I can understand that some people may not be as excited as I am for the Bazooka Joe movie. They could say that the Bazooka Joe comic was just a promotional device with no real depth or meaning except to get kids to buy magic zodiac key chains, secret compartment decoder rings, and more bubblegum. They could also say that making a movie about Bazooka Joe would be equally asinine and degrading as making a movie about the Phillie Phanatic. And they could continue to say that since there is literally no plot, back story, or character relationships to follow, this movie will just become a brutally mindless piece of cinema, and in turn rape Bazooka Joe of any real nostalgia or charm it still has.

Pffftttt! I think the movie’s producer, and former Disney CEO, Michael Eisner knows what he is doing. I’m just going to cross my fingers and hope he picks one of my top three actors to play Bazooka Joe: Nick Jonas, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, and Corey Feldman. Unfortunately they are still a long way from casting so I will have to wait and see. In the meantime, I’ll be reading “Marmaduke’s Greatest Hits”

Star Trek Begins

Let me start off by saying I don’t know much about Star Trek. In fact, I pretty much don’t know anything about Star Trek. I haven’t watched one complete episode or movie since its Technicolor birth in 1966. The few facts I retain in the trivial section of my long-term memory is that William Shatner was Captain Kirk, Spock is a Vulcan, there is a guy named Scottie that beams people up, sometimes they set their phasers to stun, and dammit somebody is a doctor, not a physicist!

Unfortunately, I probably have a greater depth of knowledge about High School Musical than I do about the U.S.S. Enterprise. But therein lies the beauty of J.J. Abrams’ film. The new Star Trek is not a fanboy club meeting. This movie is a funny, exciting, fast paced and rewarding piece of cinema. Every reference or quote from the classic show is completely identifiable and accessible, and the film succeeds as not only an extension of Star Trek, but as a great blockbuster movie. The film wraps you up immediately with an action packed opening scene, and tightens its grip with every slapstick comedy bit, fiery explosion, and anonymous crew member that gets vacuumed into space and sent rag-dolling through dead silence.

The only issue the movie has is the story. The movie is about renegade aliens called Romulans that unknowingly travel back in time through an inadvertent black hole, and try to avenge their destroyed planet that actually hasn’t been destroyed yet. It is confusing at times and curiously very similar to an episode of Lost. However the lacking narrative takes nothing away from the experience. The plot is simply the flavorless gelatin used to suspend the bright and colorful chunks of fruit flavored characters inside a summer blockbuster mold.

The acting is perfect. Zachary Quinto does a terrific reprisal of Spock, and Chris Pine puts forth a great leading man effort as Captain James T. Kirk. The film turns into a slight buddy movie between Quinto and Pine as they grow into the characters, and stretch their adaptations to fit a newer younger audience. Abrams also continues to focus on the overarching theme of faith versus science. He uses the juxtaposition of Spock’s cold logic and Kirk’s impulsiveness and bravery as a story telling device and a great source of endearing situational comedy.

In fact, Star Trek is consistently hilarious. When a suggestion is made to name the newly born James T. Kirk after his grandfather, Kirk’s father exclaims “Tiberius? No, that’s the worst.” Another example of this humor is when we meet the new Sulu, played by John Cho. We see him on the bridge of the Enterprise unsuccessfully trying to lift off. After the crew facetiously asks if he left the parking brake on, Spock (with his endless logic and reasoning) calmly points out the exact reason and solution for the technical difficulty as if reading it verbatim from the spaceship owner’s manual. “Oh…right” says Sulu with a tight lipped face and look of annoyance by Spock’s know-it-all attitude. Even rocket scientists and space ship pilots deal with having to look stupid sometimes.

However, this comic relief does more than just cut the tension. To a casual science fiction fan like me, it seems Star Trek will always have geeky connotations. Even though the film’s heritage is approached with the upmost respect, Abrams realizes that and pokes fun at the inclination that Star Trek has become a parody of itself over the years. All the classic lines and moments from television series have become bigger than the actual franchise, and now define an entire genre. For better or for worse, the saying “live long and prosper” is not solely Vulcan vernacular for goodbye, but the motto of a culture.

Regardless, Star Trek has been, and will always be a perennial piece of pop culture. A Stonehenge of televised media that has pervaded every parody and satire made in the last twenty-five years. It is as timeless as a Jell-O fruit mold and just as deliciously dated. However, Abrams hits the mark on this one. The new Star Trek movie has energized the franchise with a new identity that will carry those characters out of the basement Dungeons and Dragons caves, and into the final frontier: cool people.

Grade:

If this movie was Gordie Lacahance it would have ripped:

8.5 out of 10 leeches of his junk

You Basterd!

Quentin Tarantino is back and he’s aiming his movie making crosshairs at the always entertaining subject of World War II. His new movie “Inglorious Basterds” is about a select group of Jewish-American soldiers in Nazi occupied France during World War II. This specialized unit is meant to spread fear throughout the Third Reich by brutally killing Nazi soldiers via dismemberment and scalping. The film, which stars Brad Pitt, Eli Roth, Sam Levine (Freaks and Geeks) and B.J. Novak (The Office), looks like it is going to be another classic Tarantino bloodbath with a whole lot of dead Nazis and a little Mel Brooks Nazi parody (Nein Nein Nein Nein Nein Nein!)

However, I’m most excited about the cast. You don’t really see a lot of movies with badass Jewish characters, so I’m looking forward to some cinematic retribution for all the Sol Nazermans and Rabbi Loews we’ve seen in the past. Of course with a bunch of Jews running around disfiguring Nazis, it could also totally play into the evil conniving Jewish stereotype. Either way, I just want to see someone get their face smashed in with a baseball bat. Here’s the trailer!