Terminator Destruction

I love movies like I love women. I find a way to appreciate the different features, and aspects that make a woman attractive or a movie good. For example, the movie Pulp Fiction is an absolute ten. It’s got sexy curves, an amazing rack, beautiful eyes, a great sense of humor, and makes really good lasagna. A total package that anyone would be lucky to be with.

In the same respect the movie Fools Rush In is probably a five. That doesn’t mean that Fools Rush In is necessarily unattractive or bad. It’s got a nice body, fun to be around, and laughs at all your jokes. The only problem is that it’s so stupid it thinks Alaska is a continent, and for a reason you can’t exactly pinpoint, its face always kind of looks unsymmetrical when you look it in the eyes.

But it’s the imperfections that make us beautiful. Like how every woman is attractive in her own way, every movie succeeds on some level that allows the audience to be entertained. The only problem is when that movie, which has gotten a little fat but still has a nice face, cheats on you and leaves you sitting at home, drinking Jim Beam, watching a Joel Osteen infomercial, and wondering what could have been. That movie is Terminator Salvation.

What I saw in-between the credits of Terminator Salvation is just an action packed popcorn movie simply designed to figuratively shit out millions of dollars of CGI effects and huge explosions. It’s true, Terminator Salvation is seriously hot. It is as hot as Angelina Jolie plastered with handwarmers. Every visual aspect of that movie (except one) is stunning. From the dark desolate scenery and overcast sky, to the rollercoaster camera work, impressively choreographed chase scenes, and amazing visions of robot destruction, it is all spectacularly sensorial.

However Terminator Salvation should not have been a nameless pin-up girl. Something with perfect curves meant to be gawked at, and drooled over. I wanted to get to know the real Terminator Salvation. I wanted to love the Terminator Salvation’s personality, and see what was on the inside.

Unfortunately Terminator Salvation is simply explosion pornography. Don’t blame McG either. Let’s be honest, he is no James Cameron and he should probably stick to executive producing. Blame the two guys who wrote it. You know what John D. Brancato and Michael Ferris had written previous to Terminator Salvation? Catwoman, that’s what. The story goes absolutely nowhere, the dialogue is pretentious, and there is absolutely no depth to any of the characters (except for the one that is actually a robot).

Wait until you see the part when the amazingly hot actress Moon Bloodgood, a pilot and member of the Resistance, falls in love with the human cyborg Sam Worthington. He is actually a T-800 Terminator but still exhibits the ability to feel compassion and regret because he retains his human heart and brain. It’s a regular ol’ trip down the yellow brick road with some kind of bizzaro Tin Man.

Maybe I carry a lot of baggage with Terminator. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull still would have been considered a terrible movie had three classic films not preceded it. However it would not have been as disappointing and upsetting as it ended up being. Maybe people could have found a way to enjoy it without having to consider any expectations.

I just expected so much more from Terminator Salvation. We live in a time when machines practically run our lives, we are at war with everything around us, and the future is bleak with a chance of Armageddon. How blind do you have to be to write a movie that has endless potential for moral and thematic overlapping with the real world, and not include any kind of poignant commentary or social consciousness? I’m not asking for Syriana II, just something a little cleverer than Transformers. Movies have a right to be mindless entertainment, but why Terminator…why lobotomize another great movie franchise?

Grade:

If this movie was Private Pyle it would have shot it’s Gunnery Sergeant:

6 out of 10 times